we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
