at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
