I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
