I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
