shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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