I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
