My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
