Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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