i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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