Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
