I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
