swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
