my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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