On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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