My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
