he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
