3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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