Are you still at the party or did I leave?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
