cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
