my soul wont recognize me after tonight
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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