I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Define "chronic" masturbator.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
