ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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