im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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