Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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