just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have aggressive nipples.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
