i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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