sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
