Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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