In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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