Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
