I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
