Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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