did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
