don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
