Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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