I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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