1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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