The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
