I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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