I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
