I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
