I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
