no, he came in my armpit
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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