wat bout pragnant strippers??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
