I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
