Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
