I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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