When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found puke in my bra..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
