I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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