I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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